Lost You Forever // The Quaint and Quiet Sorrow

If there's a book that can gives such a powerful and yet a silent melancholic undertone, this is it. This book flows like water and it gradually lingers on you. The author is the one who wrote Bu Bu Jing Xin and like so many others I was in C-drama/novel land after watching that drama. All I know is that I need more of Tong Hua's writing. However this book is unlike BBJX which gives me more of an in-your-face kind of sorrow, especially the ending which just leaves the audience in a bucket of tears. This book is different in a way that it builds up the emotion gradually and each chapters just constrict my heart more and more. There's just an indescribable type of melancholy that is so serene and yet so devastating that you just wonder why you're inflicting pain upon yourself. I didn't read BBJX but I can sense the similarities between these two books. Tong Hua just excels in her beautiful lyrical proses and I feel like I'm transform into the fantasy world that this book takes place in. Sometimes I'm just filled with envy with how she can have such a vivid imagination to be able to create such a dreamy world.This is the second time that I'm in awe with my newly discovered love for Chinese stories and the sentiments that can't be found in western books. However, this post will be too long to dwell into each wonderful details this book contains, and i feel like the details are what makes me appreciate the book so much more. Each words, each proses can be considered as gems and it's what makes the characters so uniquely complex as well as alluring.

(There will be a lot of spoilers in this post so I advise you to just read this book in koalasplayground.com especially for those who need an english translation. The first chapter is boring so don't stop reading because the upcoming chapters are great) 

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In all honesty, my reason to write this post is so I can rave about my favorite character in the book which is Xiang Liu. Obviously, this book is all about Xiao Yao so this post won't be complete without her. I hate myself for liking him though because from the start I knew that his end is going to be tragic. WHY AM I SO ATTRACTED TO DOOMED CHARACTERS. Anyways, like Xiao Yao, I did try to really like Jing especially since I can really picture Hu Ge in Da Mo Yao to be exactly like him. I try to list why this guy is so amazing and try to convince my heart that the good guy needs to win the girl.. I admit that I was really attracted by Xiang Liu's character in the beginning chapters.. BUT in the beginning I still didn't really care about who ends up with Xiao Yao due to how all three guys are amazing in their own ways. Just like how Xia Yao get pulled in by Xiang Liu's charm but still stay rational and tried to resist him, I feel like I did that too. My mind is just screamminngg NOO there's no chance that they will have a happy ending unless this book is written by a Disney author. I have no idea when his character just imprint himself in my heart but perhaps from the very start he already starts gradually creeping in to the deepest part of my heart. The interaction between both characters are very compelling. I just love their quiet unspoken romance that's so crystal clear even to the both of them and yet they never directly confess to each other because of the difficult circumstance they're in. They're love is like a fleeting soul-stirring dream that will haunt me for days to come! 

First of all, Tong Hua's description of Xiang Liu is just so breathtaking that I finally understood why there are more people that ships XL with XY. Xiang Liu is such a compelling character that it's extremely hard not to feel a deep affection for him. How can a heartless untouchable demon be so ethereal, tender, carefree, playful, loving, and still able to maintain that tragic hero/general image?! Xiang Liu is like the essence of fire, water, and ice combined together; perhaps his complexity and depth are what make him so compelling.

In the dark blue ocean depths, Xiang Liu’s white hair white robe was so elegant and refined as he swam, the white hair billowing behind him, making his already handsome face even more ethereally beautiful.

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Xiang Liu silently stared out at the pitch black sky, unclear what was on his mind, but his entire body was like the edge of the sharpest sword blade, so sharp that no one could get close.

Xiao Yao didn’t know why – she was floating on the surface but she felt like she was sinking into the depths. Her heart ached with this pressure when she looked at him like this, and then she suddenly thought of something and pulled out a wet satchel and took out a small jade bottle. She dumped out colorful pills and showed it to Xiang Liu “Want to try?”

"....he said one night when we were talking that I was still a girl who dreams. So….so….I’m scared that if I’m not careful, you’ll walk into my dreams. And you…..” Xiao Yao shook her head “You’re someone who is never ever suitable to show up in a young girl’s dreams. That might actually be scarier than death.”

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When they were out playing, it was like the two of them was just enjoying life. Two people who didn’t care about anything, who was willing to try everything, became partners venturing out into the dizzying world. Many things in life, it feels different doing it alone or with a companion. Dining, no matter how delicious, just doesn’t taste as good alone. Xiao Yao believed Fang Feng Bei also understood how she felt which is why he never hesitated and introduced her to everything he could think of and then took her to experience it.

......

Xiao Yao stared at him for some time and murmured “Who are you?”

“Who do you want me to be?”

Xiao Yao put one hand on her heart and slowly extended the other hand and placed it on Fang Feng Bei’s heart. His heart was beating at the exact same rhythm as her heart.

How could Xiang Liu tenderly talk with her, carefully take care of her, patiently spend time with her? Only Fang Feng Bei that playboy would know a woman’s heart so well.

But as time went on, even if she still had that niggling feeling, she had accepted Fang Feng Bei was just Fang Feng Bei. But right now….she felt again that he was Xiang Liu. No reason, impossible to explain, but she just felt that he was.

She said “Our hearts are beating as one.” She raised her head to look at Fang Feng Bei and waited for him to give her an explanation.

Fang Feng Bei’s hand closed around her hand and he smiled “Yes, it sure seems like it’s really beating together.”

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His hair was back to being all white and fell behind him like a waterfall. The tree behind him had red leaves and the brightness contrasted so that he looked even more ethereal like untouched snow.

Xiao Yao thought: No wonder each time seeing Xiang Liu fighting it was as beautiful as snowflakes dancing!

.......

Xiang Liu smiled “People think it’s just a weird quirk that I wear white all the time. But it’s actually just a habit gleaned from survival. In the North Pole, white is the color that is best for concealment.”


"Xiang Liu quietly walk past the tents, his snow white clothes are like a gentle wind, slowly floating across the camp. He is the only light that stifles the darkness, every soldier who sees him feels his spirit relax a little, their expressions cheer up a little."

I really need to applaud Tong Hua on her characterization and her poised description of each complex characters. How can her writing always have a tinge of melancholy and yet remain so beautiful at the same time? it's just so....artistic.

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  'Because the two of them were just too similar – they didn’t care about anything, willing to try everything, interested in all, and whatever could make them smile. They appreciated all that was beautiful, but wanted to own none of it. Their life balanced precariously between darkness and light, if they chose light then behind them was thousands of miles of desolation, if they chose darkness then behind them was thousands of miles of glittering luxury. But even if they faced the light, they still had one step in the darkness so their light wasn’t completely pure but instead came from never forgetting all the pain they experienced before. The pain followed them forever which is why they were so strong, so brave, so independent, so cold, so no matter what happened, they knew they could keep on living.'

.......

Xiao Yao sometimes felt Fang Feng Bei was like a child who was lonely for too long. He had played with too many toys alone and it was no longer interesting. Now he had a companion, he couldn’t wait to take her to play, to experience what he tried. It appeared just casual but was in truth very sincere.

“You and me are travelers who have crossed paths in this windy world. Whenever we meet we are each other’s companions to enjoy the world is all! Why do you care what I think deep down inside?”

“Peaceful times are short, just like happiness is momentary. Flowers bloom and wilt, the moon waxes and wanes. But the beauty in life is merely this.”

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The romance between Xiao Yao and Xiang Liu is just so painful because they both know that they love each other and know why it's impossible for them to be together. Therefore it's full of moving forward and moving backward, never crossing that boundary that can send both of them to the pit of darkness. They can throw away everything and run away together to their safe haven but it will be so unlike them. They appreciated all that was beautiful, but wanted to own none of it. Their life balanced precariously between darkness and light. Their love is so passionate and yet so realistic that you can't help yourself but ache for their love. It's so incredible how Tong Hua can write two great romantic storylines in one book from the beginning to the end, that you just can't decide who Xiao Yao actually loves more. 

Fang Feng Bei was riding a winged horse through the crowds, his expression gentle with a smile on his lips, just like any regular son of a rich family.

Xiao Yao was rooted in place and watched him come closer to her through the dense thrum of bustling ordinary life. Even knowing it was hopeless, she still fervently wished that this ordinary world could keep him in it.

I just can't help but create a lot of  what ifs scenario in my mind that perhaps can let the two lovers have a happy ending. What if Xiao Yao was born a few hundred years before and was the one who save Xiang Liu? What if Xiao Yao and Xiang Liu can both throw all rationality aside and put each other above all priorities? What if Xiang Liu retrieves himself from fighting a losing war? I'm also frustrated because there's no one to blame for their doomed love. It's like they are already a sinking ship to begin and yet they can't even help themselves to not fall for each other. I believe that even if there's no Jing, their love also won't last because Xiang Liu is persistently proceeding towards his death. 

However, I'm going to appreciate their love that feels like the most ethereal dream and that can only exist in another world. It's also amazing how the things that they say in the book just describe their romance perfectly.

" If you have something and you like it so much, you will still remind yourself that it might be gone so you remain rational. Even if you like it it comes with a sense of melancholy, so when the time comes and it’s gone, you can be fine accepting the loss.”





Wonderfully put, i must say..

Their love that blossom mostly under the vast ocean is just so dreamy and so isolated from the real world that everything outside just doesn't seem to matter anymore. 

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In the unending darkness, every time Xiang Liu came to heal her became the only time she felt like she was still alive, because she felt another heart beating.

Not sure how much time passed but one day when the warmth was entering her body, Xiao Yao suddenly felt a sensation, she felt someone was embracing her.

It was strange, she couldn’t hear or see, and couldn’t even feel her own body, but perhaps because of the voodoo bug within and their two hearts were as one, she could vaguely sense his movements.

He seemed to be tenderly caressing her cheek, and then he fell asleep and didn’t move beside her.

When he was healing her, they ought to be very intimate because Xiao Yao could feel he was tightly embracing her. She could feel him from top to bottom.

The two of them, one on the ship and the other on the water, they listened together to the song of the merpeople. The song spread out on the water’s surface, melodic and pure, touching deep into the soul like a passionate entreaty in darkness, like a longing sigh that shatters the heart, it made the soul rise and fall with the song.

"His face as calm as a placid water surface without any joy or sorrow. After a long time, he looked down at Xiao Liu in blissful slumber and his hand slowly pressed on his own heart. A smile appeared on the corner of his lips before it swiftly passed."

Whether Xiang Liu had matters to attend to or he was purposely avoiding seeing her, Xiao Yao stood there in a dumbstruck daze, the initial happiness of regaining life and light disappearing like receding waves.

For whatever reason, Xiao Yao’s heart was filled with an endless ache. She suddenly grabbed Furball’s neck tightly...Xiao Yao buried her face in Furball’s neck as her tears came tumbling down, one after another, falling silently on Furball’s feathers and disappearing.

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One of my favorite part is also when Xiao Yao dedicated a lot of efforts scouring the most precious and rare items from the vast wilderness to give a parting gift to Xiang Liu. Other than it being a parting gift, it's also a silent declaration of her love for Xiang Liu and perhaps it's also her way of pleading him so that he will save her from going into a loveless marriage. I find that it's so heartbreaking that for someone like Xiao Yao who guards her heart so tightly and who maintains her rationality especially in the romance department finally expose her heart to Xiang Liu, the nine headed demon. I can't help but feel sad for her especially when she waited and show signs of longing for Xiang Liu by looking at the ocean.

"The clear exquisite ice crystal, inside was the deep blue sea, and in the water was colorful little fishes swimming and beautiful red coral. There was an all-white giant clam shell like a blooming flower and inside a beautiful mermaid sat on the clam shell. Her hair flowed like seaweed and her beautiful tail was half on the clam shell and half in the water. She had one hand on her heart and the other hand reached out towards the distance like she wanted to grab onto something or like she was calling someone to her. In the direction where her hand stretched there was a merman floating in the water. He appeared close to the clam shell but he was coldly staring outside the ice crystal ball so that it felt like he was actually in another world and not in the world of the peaceful isolated ocean with the mermaid.The underwater world inside the ice crystal was too beautiful that it appeared like a blue-colored dream."

"The blue ocean depths, the isolated peacefulness, the mermaid sitting on her beautiful clam shell home reaching out her hand to beckon, to plead, to summon. But the merman just coldly looked out at the world outside the ice crystal ball."

"At at glance it appeared that they were holding hands but in truth the ice crystal separated them. They were from two completely different worlds, they could never truly be together."

How can love be so passionate without much physical interaction, be so painful without much interaction, be so lonely and filled with longing even when they're both together, be so romantic without a bunch of words being exchanged, be so wrong yet so right? Their love is so rare to find whether it's in books or in novels. We have all seen/read the forbidden love scenario being repeated countless of times but this love is so quaint yet so impactful at the same time that it's so hard to describe. 

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" in the blood red sunset, his white hair and white robe still pristine and untouched."

“He used to be a subordinate of Qi Yo and one of the survivors in the final battle in Yi Province. Carrying all the memories of those who perished, it’s easier just to have died.” Xiang Liu smiled 

“Actually, to a General, the best ending is to die on the battlefield.”

It was a warm Summer night but Xiao Yao suddenly felt her entire body turn cold in an instant.

Xiao Yao smiled and curtsied to him before turning to knock on the door. The door opened and Xiao Yao stepped inside while Xiang Liu continued to stand outside, white robe black hair, tall and proud, like the white snow on the black mountains in the North, even if it was covered with flowers it would still look imposing.

Xiao Yao couldn’t take another step and stood rooted in place staring at him as the door slowly closed and Xiang Liu disappeared from sight.

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Xiao Yao stared at the empty plate and her heart soared “The only person who can make poisons this tasty in the entire world is me!”

Bei laughed back “And the only person in the entire world who can appreciate your great “cooking” talents is me!”

Xiao Yao sassed back “It’s enough to have a true soulmate.”

Bei gave her a half-smile but said nothing.

Xiao Yao couldn’t help it and sighed loudly and murmured “If only you can forever be Fang Feng Bei, that would be so great!”

Bei appeared not to have heard her as he set down his wine cup and got up to leave, his form disappearing in the layers of curtains.

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Xiao Yao didn’t move and continued to stare at the ocean. If it was possible, she really wanted to live like this for the rest of her life.

“Xiao Yao?” Xiang Liu stood before Xiao Yao. She raised her head to stare at him and smiled 

“Don’t you feel like today was a day we stole to spend together? That there is only now and no tomorrow!”

Xiao Yao ran away as fast as she could and in a second she ran from Qing Qiu to Qing Shui Town. Xiao Yao jumped in the river and swam towards the vast blue ocean. She could see endless horizons and the joy of swimming freely, but she was so so tired! Where could she go in this entire world? Fang Feng Bei appeared on the surface and he sat on an all white clam shell smiling at her with his black hair flying in the breeze. Xiao Yao swam towards him but in a second his hair turned all white and he became Xiang Liu coldly staring at her. White clam shell, all white Xiang Liu, it was like an ice mountain floating on the ocean surface.

The black hair him, the white hair him, closer and further away……Xiao Yao suddenly turned and swam towards land, as she swam her tears tumbled down like rain……

Xiao Yao startled awake from her dream and felt coldness next to her. She touched her face and discovered that she was drenched in tears.

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It's these quiet moments and small conversations which are the saddest. The both of them always talk with only half sincerity and they keep on inflicting pain upon each other. It's like a constant push and pull between them. Sometimes they almost give in to their feelings but then they get pulled back by the tragic reality. They're brutally realistic and it's clear how they don't even dare to hope for a happy ending between their relationship. 

......

Xiao Yao stared at him before breaking into a beaming smile, the happiness lighting up her eyes.

Xiang Liu wearily asked “Miss Xi Ling, what do you want?”

“I…..I…..” Xiao Yao actually didn’t know what she wanted so she got tongue-tied. She finally said “Help me break the voodoo bug spell and you can pick your price!”

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The merpeople’s song was in a pitch that very few people on earth could hear so in that split second Xiao Yao felt that her heart was intimately close to Xiang Liu and there was nothing she couldn’t share with him. She said “My daddy is Qi Yo.”

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Xiang Liu stood in the water and smiled at her. Xiao Yao was embarrassed and frustrated and lowered her eyes because she didn’t dare look at him. Right as she was about to kiss Xiang Liu, he suddenly turned his head and avoided her kiss and then starting laughing loudly.

Xiao Yao was so embarrassed she decided to just go die! She shook off his hand and didn’t swim upward but instead dove deeper.

Xiang Liu chased behind her and chuckled as he said “Don’t suffocated yourself to death! Try breathing. I didn’t let you swim up not because I wanted to force you to…..kiss me.” Xiang Liu’s laughter rang out again “It’s because you don’t need to do that anymore.”

Xiang Liu didn’t want her to know that when she was unconscious the things he did with her, and she didn’t want him to know that she already knew. Their embraces and companionship, just let it be buried deep in the dark ocean depths!

The clam shell was enormous and even with the two of them inside it wasn’t a tight squeeze at all. She slept here for thirty-seven years with Xiang Liu, would that be equivalent of sleeping in the same bed and sharing the same pillow? Those two merpeople saw the clam shell as their home, how did Xiang Liu view this clam shell?

Xiao Yao suddenly felt all sorts of thoughts and feelings rush up and her face burned as her heart sped up.

Xiao Yao chastised herself and tried desperately to control her feelings and reactions, but she couldn’t control her heartbeat.

 Just like that, Xiang Liu sensed it and looked over at her. Xiao Yao quickly said “I’m hungry! So hungry I’m all nerves!”

Xiao Yao’s face was so red it was like a burning sunset and she forced her eyes wide open to stare at Xiang Liu. His heartbeat quickened a few times and Xiao Yao sensed it. But then it was gone just like that and she wondered if it was her mistaken sensation.

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“The boat has passed, forever she sees his past selves and wistfully wishes she had met him earlier. But, his ship has sailed, he will die for General Gong Gong.”

            ____________

It's undeniable that they are the soulmate in this book. Although their ending is not a happy ending but at least the quiet and remarkable love that they shared is worth living for. The love that only exist in the world that only they know. The love that can only exist in the realm of a dream. The love of a soulmate. The unspoken love, the indescribable sadness that comes with it. The kind of love that can't be spoken and must only be buried deep in their hearts. A love that aches and understands. A love that is filled with longing and solitude. A love with deceits and sincerity. A love that linked their hearts, two hearts beating as one. A love so divine, in its glory it soared. A love of lovers that are destined to live in two different paths. A love filled with hope hope and hopelessness. A love with continuous sighs of the past and of the future.  A love as pure and as cold as the snow. A passionate love that smoulders and scorches leaving only repercussions if it's ignited. A love that flows naturally and organically like water, the fleeting peaceful simplicity that they received from time to time. A love so unbreakable, so untouchable, so obscured just like the ice in the North Pole. A love of infinite solitude and infinite abyss. A love that can only reside in the vast and deep ocean. That's the love that only the two of them, the two legendary lovers, can quietly possess 

Life is the encounter and separation, is the starting time and oblivion, but there are always things that once happened, will leave traces, and always have a person, once appeared, will not be forgettable.

Dear Tong Hua, please stop creating such a charming, irresistible, and selfless male lead. My heart can't handle it anymore. :'( I can't even handle how even at the end he doesn't want to leave memories of himself and doesn't want Xiao Yao to know everything he did for her... Call me heartless but my heart is so unsettled when there's such a tragic character in a book and the other leads are living happily ever after. Not to mention that the tragic character is the cause of the main lead's happy ending. I guess I can accept the ending of BBJX, though it is heartbreaking, because at least everyone have sad endings. lol i'm sorry i'm one of those people who prefer everyone to suffer almost equally at the end. The ending of this novel just makes it seem that life is too damn unfair and I despise how that factor is also what makes this book seems so real. I'm forever, eternally so conflicted when it comes to the stories Tong Hua wrote.Oh well, I guess the best love stories are always tragic, or else it won't be as memorable.